a gentile feline

i've got myself a "gentleman" living with me. =)

bad eyes?

(a man on his way to see the optometrist) upon opening the door, he asked the receptionist, "i think i need my eyes checked."

"you're not kidding," she said, "this is the ladies' room!"

"i'm not a dancer. i'm just drunk"

what if a cop knew you were drunk but you passed every test given...?

aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!

a mansion for my mama

my mom has ALWAYS wanted a HUGE home that all her babies can come home to during the holidays. personally, i'm rather fond of the tight quarters and don't mind sleeping four to a floor by the fireplace. but my mom refuses to accept that scenerio and wants huge comfy beds for EACH and every child and i've found JUST the homes to accommodate her wishes...

this one:

and this one:

both are around 25 million each.
i'm not being TOO extravagant,
am i? =)

hungry for pie?

wanna know how pumpkin pies are made?

(giggling)

the curse of the chipotle undies

who wants to go with me to have some chipotle?!!! =D

late night potty break

an 80 year old man went for a checkup, and the doctor said, "for your age, you're in great shape."

the man replied, "yep. it comes from living a good, clean, spiritual life."

the doctor asked, "what makes you think that?"

the man replied, "if i didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time i get up in the middle of the night."

the doctor was concerned, but he didn't press the man.

when the old man's wife came in for her checkup, the doctor said, "your husband's in fine physical shape, but i'm worried about his mental condition. he told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"ah ha!" she exclaimed. "so HE'S the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

black beans

a guy loved backed beans, but he promised his wife he'd give them up because they gave him such terrible gas. however, one day on his way home, he had a craving so strong that he stopped and ate three plates of them. he was sure he could get rid of all the gas before he got home.

but the plan failed, and he arrived home, buttocks clenched, to find his wife at the door. "honey, i have a surprise for you," she said. she blindfolded him, led him to his chair at the dinner table, and told him not to peek. just then, the phone rang and she left the room to go get it.

he couldn't hold his gas any longer, and he could hear his wife in the other room, so he leaned one way and released a series of loud, violent farts. he prayed the stench would be gone when his wife got back. finally, she came back, removed his blindfold, and said, "surprise!" he opened his eyes to see twelve guests seated around the table.

-brought to you by: toilet trick daily calendar =)