nation, i love stephen colbert.he is one
hilarious
man.
...and he's the only man i know who doesn't seem to be able to pronounce the letter "t".
so just who is this "stephen colbert" you ask? stephen colbert is the host of the colbert report that airs 4 nights a week on comedy central.
"[he] catches the world in the headlights of [his] justice. [he] shines [his] light no matter where that light takes [him], and [he's] not afraid of anything." except for bears. and his mother-in-law.here are a few of my favorite quotes from his show:
1. move over oprah you fat betch, tonight every member of my audience receives a priceless gift... the Truth.
2. as God said to job, checkmate
3. forgive me Father, for i have Truthed.
4. side effects of tonight's show may include euphoria, patriotism, and painful urination.
5. librarians are hiding something.
6. i report, i decide.
7. it's the sixty-third anniversary of d-day. still waiting for that thank-you note, france.
8. there's nothing wrong with being gay. i have plenty of friends that are going to hell.
9. do they GIVE a nobel prize for throwing your own feces?
10. if you non-catholic christians are upset, well just have your pope issue a reponse. oh that's right, you don't have a pope. because your faith is defective. sorry, catholicism is clearly superior. don't believe me? name one protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. i think that Lord has spoken on this one.
11. sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. if so, i'm a freaking lunatic.
12. i don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
13. going to church. it’s my favorite part of being a believer. on a typical sunday morning while some people are enjoying brunch or enjoying a good tee time, i sit in church imagining them chained to a burning lake of unquenchable fire. you know it makes even the dullest sermon fly by.
14. there's nothing wrong with stretching the Truth. we stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
15. some say, 'those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' i say, 'those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.
16. it's important to pay your taxes, but it's just as important to pay as little tax as possible. think of it as putting big government on a diet. the treasury is your fat friend who wants to eat your ice cream cone--but it's your cone, you worked hard for it, and you'll be damned if tubby two-by-four is going to slobber all over it.
4. side effects of tonight's show may include euphoria, patriotism, and painful urination.
5. librarians are hiding something.
6. i report, i decide.
7. it's the sixty-third anniversary of d-day. still waiting for that thank-you note, france.
8. there's nothing wrong with being gay. i have plenty of friends that are going to hell.
9. do they GIVE a nobel prize for throwing your own feces?
10. if you non-catholic christians are upset, well just have your pope issue a reponse. oh that's right, you don't have a pope. because your faith is defective. sorry, catholicism is clearly superior. don't believe me? name one protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. i think that Lord has spoken on this one.
11. sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. if so, i'm a freaking lunatic.
12. i don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
13. going to church. it’s my favorite part of being a believer. on a typical sunday morning while some people are enjoying brunch or enjoying a good tee time, i sit in church imagining them chained to a burning lake of unquenchable fire. you know it makes even the dullest sermon fly by.
14. there's nothing wrong with stretching the Truth. we stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
15. some say, 'those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' i say, 'those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.
16. it's important to pay your taxes, but it's just as important to pay as little tax as possible. think of it as putting big government on a diet. the treasury is your fat friend who wants to eat your ice cream cone--but it's your cone, you worked hard for it, and you'll be damned if tubby two-by-four is going to slobber all over it.
check out more of colbert here.
enjoy. =)
enjoy. =)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment